Tell me how you drive offroad and I'll tell you what you're like.

June 10, 2025

Welcome, brave reader, to this psychological and almost esoteric analysis of your personality on two wheels. If you believe an inverted fork can read your soul, or that mud reveals more about you than any Instagram personality test, then read on. We're going to reveal the hidden secrets behind every skid, spin, and "stylized" crash.

1. The Knight with the Disconnected ABS

This is the guy who arrives, disconnects everything that smells electronic, and looks at you with moral superiority. "The bike has to feel the terrain, not be controlled by a control unit," he says as he removes the traction control sensor with an Allen wrench he keeps in a camouflage fanny pack.

Personality: Stubborn, purist, lover of absurd challenges. Probably likes black coffee, no sugar, and arguing about which is the only correct oil for a transmission.

Risk level: High. Probability of accidentally lifting the motorcycle off the ground: 97%.

2. The Instagram pilot

It doesn't matter how he drives, what matters is that there's a photo. He stops every 200 meters to take a shot with the tripod, the drone, the GoPro, the stabilizer, and, if necessary, a goat in the background to give it an "authentic rural" feel.

Personality: Functional narcissist, creative, obsessed with the perfect frame. He tends to wear immaculate off-road gear even after a 100km ride.

Risk level: Low. He prefers to look like he's doing something right rather than get dirty or fall.

3. The philosophical track

This character doesn't go fast, he doesn't go slow. He thinks. He draws a metaphor from every rock, and every curve is a life lesson. "Traction is nothing more than an illusion, like control in our lives," he tells you, while you wonder if he ate something strange for breakfast.

Personality: Profound, sometimes pedantic, but a good traveling companion. Always carries some "organic" food in his lunchbox.

Risk level: Medium. Sometimes distracted by a cloud shaped like a connecting rod.

4. The old school one

Riding a 1994 Yamaha XT600E with more miles on it than a Ryanair plane, this guy has no GPS, just instinct and a loose chain. He doesn't believe in maps, but he does believe in asking the local bartender.

Personality: Practical, resilient, with a soul forged in oil and dust. He knows what he's doing, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Risk level: It depends. When he goes alone, he becomes an urban legend.

5. The uncoordinated enthusiast

He gives it his all. EVERYTHING. His bike is new, his gear too, and his spirit is invincible. It's a shame his body can't keep up. He's the king of silly crashes and unintentional second-gear starts.

Personality: Optimistic, passionate, immune to embarrassment. No one has as much fun as he does.

Risk level: Constant. But wear knee pads and smile.

6. The unsolicited instructor

He always knows more than you, even if it's your first ride and he's also a new bike that day. He gives you unsolicited advice, and at every stop he takes advantage of a mini masterclass. If he could, he'd bring a laser pointer.

Personality: Controlling, insecure disguised as wise, but useful if you get a flat tire.

Risk level: Low, because he focuses so much on explaining things to you that he barely manages to navigate.

7. The Zen of Gas

This rider seems to float. You don't know how, but you never see him sweat or miss a line. He looks like he came straight out of a premium trail bike commercial. No one knows where he came from, but he always finishes in front.

Personality: Calm, confident, almost supernatural. He might be a mechanic on Monday through Friday or a yoga teacher on the weekends.

Risk level: Zero. It's like the wind. It's there, but you never catch it.

8. The bar strategist

He sets out with the group, covers 12 km, and plans a tactical stop at the village bar to hydrate, socialize, and discuss the terrain... which he hasn't yet covered. He knows all the tapas along the way.

Personality: Sociable, laid-back, more of a motorcycle fan than a racer. He has a knack for logistics and finding cold beer.

Risk level: Zero. Your greatest danger is a fit of laughter with a beer in your hand.

It doesn't matter how you ride. If you do it with passion, respect, and a sense of humor, you've already got the trail spirit firmly in place. Everything else is mud.

And you... which category do you fall into? Or better yet, how many do you combine? Because deep down, we all have a bit of the one who falls, the one who lands, the one who gets lost, and the one who finds themselves amidst rocks, dust, and gasoline.

So you know: tell me how you ride, and I'll tell you what you're like. Or at least, I'll laugh with you on the next ride. See you on the roads!

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